I'm a bass player

I've been playing in a band recently. Yes - that does make me a rockstar, FYI.
By 'recently' I mean I've been rehearsing with 2 friends nearly once a week for almost a year now. Although we will not be headlining any arenas soon (nor any local bars, or coffee-shops either) I do think we could succeed as an opening act for another, not-suck-quite-as-bad band.
Trust me, that last statement marks a vast improvement in our ability. Vast.
So, the band consists of an excellent drummer, an excellent guitarist/vocalist, and...well... me. I taught myself to play guitar when I was just a junior-high school tween, and I'm not bad. I'm not melt-your-face awesome, just not bad.
We tried the idea of two guitarists and a drummer, hoping that soon we could find a bassist to coerce into playing with us. No dice there... all the bassists we knew we already playing in actual bands. Early on, during one of our first rehearsals the drummer casually mentioned that he owns a bass guitar... maybe I could give it try? What's the worst that could happen, right?
I agreed with the idea that it would temporarily fill out our band's sound and as soon as a real bassist was found, I could go back to guitar. Well, guess what? Fast-forward a year and I'm now a bassist. And to be honest - I'm not that embarrassed about it.
It took me awhile to realize that only a very small percentage of my acquired guitar-playing skills would translate to bass. Literally, for 6 months I played on two strings. max. Playing the bass is very different from playing guitar. I enjoy the fact that I'm starting to get the hang of it... I am actually starting to sound like I know what I'm doing, and it only took me a year of blistered fingers and constant reminders of self-worth. Bass players need some sort of self-worth reminders. Take the 'bass solo' for example. I mean, really... what's the point?
In honor of the fact that I now consider myself a bass player I wanted to share some of my favorite bass-player jokes. Further proof that after a year of slaving away on those 4 giant strings, I still refuse to take myself (or bass players in general) seriously. But hey - somebody has to play the damn thing, right? Enjoy!

What do bass players use for contraception?
Their personalities!

One night at the local club, the mind-reader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"
Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"
Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."
Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."

What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a drunk bass player?
One of them has to be plugged in to actually suck.

What do you call a bass player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What do you do if you run over a bass player?
Back up and make SURE. (this one is extra-funny because our drummer actually got hit by a car after a gig with his other band. Since he was not a bass player, they just sped off without backing up. Don't worry - he's fine.)


What do you call a bass player with a college degree?
Night manager at McDonalds.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a bass player. The other didn't have any money either.

Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.

What's the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.



How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it.

Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player."
Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways."

Why are there four strings on a bass?
Three are spares.

How can you tell if your stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the bass player's mouth

What do you call a bass player that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? 

A Bass Player.

Little Johnny's father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesn't show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, "Oh. Didn't you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks."

How do you make a bass player's car go faster?
Take the Dominos Pizza sign off the top.

What's the fastest way for a bass player to end band practice?
"You guys want to work on some songs I wrote?"